Living Without Him
by Jace loves me
Summary: The day he died was the hardest day of my life. It was like a whole had been punch in my chest, and I think the worst part was knowing that I'd never see him again, never feel his loving touches, or the way he was so gentle with me, as if I was made of glass and could break any moment. I'd never feel the passion in his kisses. It was hard. It still is. It kills me every day. Clace.


Chapter 1

The day he died and left my life, killed me. It was like a hole had been punched into my chest. A hole that would never heal.

I should've gone with him. I should've died too. It was my fault.

_"Hey Clary?"_

_"Yeah," I yelled from the far room. _

_"Alec and Izzy are going to Pandemonium. Do you want to go with?"_

_"Umm," I looked at my unfinished painting. "No, I think I'll stay here."_

_"Do you want me to stay with?"_

_"No, you can go with if you want."_

_"Are you sure? I can stay here if you want."_

_"No, really. Go, have fun."_

_"Okay. I'll hurry. I'll be back before it's dark."_

_"No, take your time."_

_"No, I'll be back super fast. You won't even know I was gone." _

_I smiled. He was always so sweet. _

_"Okay, but when you get back, we'll do something. Okay?"_

_"What kind of something. Cause if it's good enough, I might not go at all."_

_"I guess you'll have to find out later, when you come back."_

_"Claaaaaaarrrrry!"_

_"Jace."_

_"Fine, but I'll be back soon. I promise."_

_"Okay. See you soon." _

_He ran into the room I was in and kissed me goodbye. A short and sweet kiss. He left the room, and I heard the front door close. _

_A few hours later, I was sitting in the living room, watching a movie, when I got a call from Simon. _

_"Hey Si, what's up?"_

_"Hey Clare-bear. Can I come over?"_

_He only ever called me Clare-bear when something was wrong. _

_"Uh, yeah. I'm just waiting for Jace to get home."_

_Jace and I had recently bought our own apartment together. It was small, but it was perfect for us for the time being._

_"Okay. I'll be there in a sec." _

_"Okay, bye."_

_"Bye, Clary." And he hung up._

_I was starting to get worried. I didn't know what was going on. A few minutes later, Simon knocked on the door. I all but ran to get to the door. _

_I threw the door open, and Simon was standing there looking down at the ground. When he looked up there were tears in his eyes. _

_I looked at him, confusion written into my expression. _

_He came in, and sat down on the couch, beside me. He took my hand. Uh oh._

_"Hey Clare. Have you heard yet?"_

_I shook my head. I was really worried now. Had one of them gotten hurt, demon hunting?_

_"Heard what, Si?"_

_"There was an accident."_

_I looked at him, dread filling into my eyes. _

_"Who got hurt?"_

_"No one got hurt, Clare?"_

_"What do you mean? Someone had to have gotten hurt, if there was an accident. Unless someone…" Died. I looked at him. Tears already welling up in my eyes._

_"Who?" I already had an idea, but I didn't want to be right. He was probably just grieving at the Institute._

_"I'm sorry, Clare. Jace is dead."_

_I started choking on my tears._

_"No, he's not. I have to find him. I have to go to the Institute. He's not dead. He's not!" I shouted at Simon. I already had tears running down my cheeks. Simon wasn't the kind of friend who would lie to me like this though. But still. I had to see for myself._

_I ran to the door, and threw it open. I started running to the Institute._

_He's fine Clary. He's at the Institute and he's fine. He's not dead._

_I got to the Institute without breaking from running. I ran up to the door, and they open under my touch. I ran to the elevator and punched the button. It took it's time going up, while I just stood there pacing back and forth. _

_He wasn't dead, he wasn't dead. I kept repeating to myself._

_When the elevator doors finally opened, I ran to the Infirmary. The doors were shut. That's never a good sign. I pushed them open and flew into the room. Everyone was surrounding a bed. I saw Izzy, and Alec, and Maryse and Robert. _

_But I didn't see Jace._

_Isabelle heard me coming, and turned around. She had tears running down her cheeks and when she looked at me, there was so much pain in her expression. Alec turned as well, looking about the same way as Iz. Maryse and Robert were already looking at me. All of them had puffy red eyes. _

_"Jace!" I called out, but he didn't answer. _

_"Jace! I called again._

_Isabelle looked at me, like she was gonna cry at any moment, just from looking at my face. That's when I realized that this wasn't just a sick horrible joke. It was real. But still, I couldn't let myself believe he was dead. He couldn't be. I needed him._

_"Jace! Answer me!"_

_I ran over to the bed, and shoved my way through._

_Laying there, on the bed pale as a ghost, was Jace. My hand flew to my mouth, as I stifled a cry. _

_"He's not dead! He can't be dead! Tell me he's not dead! Tell me this is all some horrible joke!" I yelled at them. Izzy came over to me, and pulled me into a hug. _

_"He's really gone."_

_ When her words sunk in, I started to bawl. Iz held on to me and we held each other, while we cried. Everyone was watching us with tears streaming down their faces. I couldn't believe it. That's when I felt the whole in my chest, widening. I knew then and there that it would never be filled. He could never be replaced. _

_After a while, Isabelle let go of me, and Alec pulled her into his chest. They cried for a long time. And I just stood and looked at Jace. I couldn't believe he was really dead. I looked at Alec and Iz. _

_"Has anyone tried to call Magnus? I mean maybe he can bring Jace back. I did it once. Can he?"_

_Alec shook his head._

_ "Magnus was here a little while ago. He tried everything he could. We even tried the Silent Brothers, but there's just nothing."_

_This broke my heart a little bit more. _

_"Can I have a few minutes alone with Jace please?" my voice choked up on his name._

_Everyone nodded, and left the room. _

_When the door shut, I walked over to him, and flung myself onto him. I sat there with my head buried into his white shirt. It showed off all of his abs, and his curly golden hair was as beautiful as always. His eyes were closed, and I knew I'd never see his beautiful golden eyes again. This thought made me cry even harder. I looked up, and traced his lips, slowly before leaning up, and kissing them lightly. Sadly the true loves kiss only works in fairytales. I guess not all fairy tales are true. _

_I laid my head back down to his neck and buried my head between his neck and shoulder. I cried some more. I'm sure that if he could see me now, he would want to come back. Who knows, maybe he is watching me right now, and he's trying so hard to come back, but it's just not working. I fell asleep like that, with my arms flung around his waist, and my head buried next to his, tears marking their paths on my cheeks. _

-One week later-

I put on the white dress. It came just above my knees, and had a bow in the back, with thick spaghetti straps. I had on a pair of plain white flats. I left my hair down, remembering how much Jace loved my hair down.

I walked slowly out the door, to where Simon was waiting for me, in his white suit. He opened the door to the car for me, and helped me in. I buckled my seatbelt, and leaned my head against the window. Simon got into the car and looked over at me, sadly. He turned the car on and drove to the burial for Jace Herondale.

The drive there, was short and quiet.

When we got to the Silent City, the Lightwoods were all ready there. They all looked gorgeous in their white attire. Isabelle was wearing a dress that went a little below her knees. It was plain white. Her hair was down as well. Alec and Magnus were standing side by side, in plain white suits. The only difference was that Magnus's hair was spiked up with white glitter in it.

Maryse was wearing a dress similar Isabelle's, and Robert look like Alec. There was a casket behind them.

I left Simon's side, and walked to the casket. It had one door open so that you could see his upper body and face. In his hand was a seraph blade, and on his right ring finger, his family ring. The same ring that would've been given to me had we ever gotten married.

I started to tear up, as I leaned down and kissed him one more time. It was a fact that he was dead now. Nothing could bring him back. Not even me.

-Time skip-

Jace's casket was opened and positioned just above the hole in the ground where he would be buried. Magnus put a special spell on him, so that his body would never decay. He would stay this way, forever.

Everyone went up to speak about Jace. I went last.

When I got up there, I already had tears running freely down my cheeks.

"Jace is the love of my life. He will always be. There will be no one else for me because he took that spot. And I'm so so glad that it was him. There will always be hole in my chest though that's longing for him. It will never heal. It's a simple fact. There's no replacing him. There's no one like him, and there never will be. He was always so brave, always diving into danger and adventure head first, not caring what anyone else had to say. He was always there for his family. For me. I know that even though he's dead, he will still always be there, watching over us, and protecting us. He was always so sarcastic and made jokes about everything, but that was one of the things I love about him. He was always so sweet towards me. He never did anything that would put me in harm's way, and I was told once, by someone very close to him, that he would burn the whole world down till he could dig you out of the ashes. And it was true. He told me once, that he loved me, and that he'd love me until he died, and that if he found a life after that, he'd love me then. And I hope that he did, because I love him so much it's unbelievable. I know for a fact that I'll love him until I die, because there's not a way for me to not love him. And I know for a fact that I will love him after I die. I will love him forever."

And with that, I stepped away from the microphone, tears running down my cheeks even more. I stepped over to his casket, and leaned down. I gave him one last kiss, right on the lips. When I stepped away, I couldn't stop the tears anymore. They spilt over, and Simon rushed over to me and pulled me into a hug. I bawled into his shirt.

When they went to lower his casket in the ground, I watched, my heart feeling like it was breaking into a thousand more pieces. When he was really gone, and buried, I clung to Simon again. He rubbed circles on my back the way Jace did, and it only made me cry harder. He was really gone. Life wouldn't go on. Not for me at least.

-3 years later-

Life is still hard. It's just as hard as it was when he died. I still remember the last words I said to him. The last time I ever kissed him. The last time he hugged me.

I missed him like crazy. The pain in my chest hasn't gotten smaller. If anything it's gotten bigger. I still have his phone. I keep it in my other pocket. I still have all his clothes, and the bed sheets that he last slept on. They all still smell like him. Sunshine.

I remember the weeks after the funeral. I wouldn't eat, I wouldn't sleep. I wouldn't nothing. I barely moved at all, and the only food I did eat was forced by Simon. I only kept myself alive for them. It'd be too hard for them live if I died too. Sometimes I wished that I had died.

I still visit his grave every day. I tell him about my day, and ask him how things are in heaven. And when I leave, I always tell him that I'll see him soon. I try to be as wreck less as he was when battling demons. Hoping to shorten the time, but it never works. I always have back-up.

One day though, hopefully soon, I'll get to see my love every day. I just don't know when that will be.

**Hey guys.**

**I know. This one is kind of a bummer. But I got the idea at school today, and I felt the need to write it. **

**It's a one-shot. Not up for continuation. I need reviews also. I will be updating Help Me soon. I don't know when, but I'm already working on it. I just need to finish it the chapter I'm on.**

**Anyways, I hope you enjoyed it, and I'll update soon. Don't forget about reviews. **

**Thanks, and bye. **

**-Jace loves me.**


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